September 22, 2009

Wow,
I'm so tired. I can't will myself to write everyday, even though I have stuff to say. This is why there have been such long gaps in my posts on both this blog and my real blog.

I feel like I wasted the entire summer. I don't know what I was thinking. I could have made it this summer, I could have had it all. What did I do? I gave up a month of NYC to move home and take some time off? Time off what? I can't think of how that benefited me. I should have been promoting my t-shirts. I should have been doing stand-up, and I sure as hell shouldn't have quit writing.

I was doing so well. Well, I had momentum, at least. And now I find myself in a pinch for the umpteenth time again. No money, endless creativity, and thus frustration.

I did make a lot of new friends this summer, and I got closer to old ones. I learned how to wait tables. I [sort of] learned my value to others, somewhat figuring out my level of attractiveness to women and being able to use that (I'm getting better!). And I now know my worth to a small restaurant in Brooklyn.

But honestly, this was one of the most depressing summers of late. I'm not sure I've had a more depressing summer, and it just got more depressing as it went on.

I feel like all I did was struggle all summer. I had one lousy job that didn't pay well, and barely kept me alive. What it didn't do financially was help me get back into screen printing, or afford me a new phone until late August. I spent the majority of my summer without a working cell phone. How depressing is that!

Not only that, but knowing that I completely stripped my brothers of music before I left them, when I accidentally erased their hard drive. And I haven't been able to replace it because I can't fucking afford it!

I'm typing the keys really hard now, and I'm worried that I'm going to damage my new computer. One thing I did accomplish was to get a new computer, a laptop. I didn't get it, though, by saving up and buying it, like I would have. Instead, I got it by working for my mom for a few weeks and having her pay for it.

There are moments in my day-to-day life when I feel like such a child. There are other moments when I feel empowered like a man, like I can do no wrong. It is a constant struggle for me to find balance between these two personalities.

I think another reason I haven't been writing is because I spend so much of my time being frustrated and trying to get out of the shitty life I have brought upon myself, that I just lose all interest in it. I've probably become depressed. All I want to do is complain about stuff.

What I really want to do is tell people how funny I find things. But even that is taking me forever.

I literally have piles and piles of notes that sit on my bedroom floor waiting for me to sort them and enter them into the computer, so that I have electronic, workable copies of all my material.

Every time I sit down to put a few in, I get super hyped-up about it, but it takes me soooo much longer to physically do it than I had planned on, and before you know it, I've moved on to something else. Being distracted is a major flaw of mine. That and trying to multi-task too much. There is a time when mulit-tasking will kill you. Much like stress.

I feel like my new job (which is actually my old job) contains enough stress to put me into a coma. If I go into a coma, I'll never be able to write the things I want, or so much as even talk to a girl again.

So, the summer is over. It is time to start anew. Again. I am going to find a steady job, one that pays well, will not take the life out of me, and will not make me crazy. It would hopefully introduce me to more people my age (approaching 25) and with similar life-crunching problems.

I am going to get back into screen-printing and grow my business. I will take on more people as I can, who, when possible, will work for free or for very low amounts of money. I will get people behind my ideas and get them to work for me.

One of my strengths is that I am likeable. And people tend to cling to me. They are interested in what I am doing and want to see. The blog serves as a portal to that. People are also strangely comfortable telling me what they did not think they could share with anyone. People tell me all kinds of things. I guess I just have an honest face.

I can parlay that into getting people to follow me and believe in what I say. I can then feed off their strengths and creativity to go farther and help more people.

I am going to find a girlfriend. Someone who likes me and who I like back, who isn't absolutely crazy, but isn't boring either. Someone who takes an interest in me, and isn't selfishly wrapped up in her own game. Someone who is mature, open to new things, and who understands me, even if only a little.

I am not going to stand by to see all my friends get married, to see all my friends get careers and grow up and move away. I am not going to see life pass me by as I always get stuck in the now. This is about planning my future, and I don't want to spend it looking up at people any more. I've reached an age when I feel like every opportunity is equal for everybody. And whoever tries the hardest and the longest with succeed at reaching the top.

I'm not going to give up, because I refuse to give up. I refuse to sink back into remission any more times, and take comfort in what I already have. I'm not going to let people tell me, "at least you tried." At least I tried. When put that way, it sounds like the worst thing I ever could have done.

Failure is not my bag. I'm here to win, win, win. If not, I'm going to die trying.