August 19, 2009

Nights that I can't sleep are the worst. They always come on days when I have to get up early the next morning. Always. I have soooooo much to think about when I have so little time to sleep.

I absolutely hate working at Starbucks. I absolutely hate it.

I tricked myself into thinking I can go back to work for them and actually ride it out until I pay off my credit cards or until something better comes my way. I'm not sure I can. I wish I didn't have to get up so early in the morning every day to do something that I am so ashamed of. I work so hard to make lattes and cappuccinos and frozen beverages for people everyday. And they just chug 'em down, and come back six hours later or the next day and get more. They are pigs. And I despise the lot of them.

My back hurts. I'm not sure what it is, but the nerve over my right shoulder just gets tweaked from time to time. And I try my best to massage it with my left hand, but it's very difficult to reach. I shouldn't have to pay for a back massage, I should have a girlfriend who enjoys giving them to me. But I don't.

There are days when I do nothing but think about how fucked up my life has become, and I always see that the only way out of it is to work my way out. And that leads to more stress. My hands constantly hurt and itch from my increasingly painful eczema. And that just leads me to why I need to keep working at Starbucks. I need to see a doctor, and the only way that is going to happen is if I am getting Medical benefits from somewhere.

I also need to go to a dentist, something I haven't done since the last time I worked at Starbucks.

I've been pretty bad about keeping this daily blog up-to-date. Even though I come up with stuff to write about every day, I can't find time to put it on a computer screen.

As of now, writing is my therapy. It is the only way my voice can be heard. I will continue to write forever until somebody reads or listens to what I have to say.

I tried out a couple of new jokes last night at comedy, and did not get the response I hoped for. I know they are funny, though, it would just be nice to have some honest and sincere support from somebody close to me that is not myself.

Too many lonely nights. I need somebody to talk to. This is getting really old.